by Simina Banu
Due to excessive interaction with, and proximity to, smart technology, new research shows that fingers have begun to grow what scientists have called “microbrains” beneath the fingernails. In extreme cases, the fingers have overridden the cerebellum and attained autonomy over their own fine movements. In these cases, sufferers have experienced symptoms ranging from the mild inconvenience of not being able to perform a google search for the “best pringle flavour” (st pringle, best prongle, brit priggle, etc) to the psychological trauma of sabotaging job applications and sending texts to significant others with messages such as “Yeah. I HAVE been at Todd’s all day. At least he can hold down a f—ing job for more than a minute.” There is no known cure for the condition, although doctors are developing a procedure to surgically remove the brains. This initiative has been met with some controversy as certain animal rights groups have begun to protest outside the research centres, claiming that the proposed procedures disregard the rights of the fingers as autonomous lifeforms. For the time being, prevention is key. Limiting smartphone use—and especially limiting use of puzzle apps and any highly informative smart apps—will keep one’s fingers dumb and tame. If one’s fingers do develop autonomy, the best thing to do is to set aside a few hours every morning to let the fingers engage in Angry Birds; this allows them to exhaust their pent-up energy and fury, and tends to render them more docile, compliant (or at least a bit more open to collaboration) when it comes to other daily tasks.
Simina Banu is a Canadian writer. Originally from Romania, she is an outsider investigator of the oddities that inhabit the English language—from its strange punctuation, to its accidental musicality, to its meanings, unconfined by the structure of words, wandering and irretrievable. Her first chapbook, where art, was published by words(on)pages in 2015.