by Sophie McDaid
I was relieved when the drunken “I love you’s” stopped flowing
and I had put a lid on the bottle
of saying things without knowing.
Because the bar tab had to be paid one of these days.
But my victory was short lived
when I realised that in loves place
came a certain phrase;
“I need you.”
Because maybe I misuse the word, love.
And somehow that is worse.
And when I’m sitting in those dark smoked out rooms,
and all that fizzed out feeling has rushed to my head
I don’t hear the music surrounding me,
all I hear is the empty hole in my heart your lies had fed.
Because now babe, it’s just a gaping pit,
and all this alcohol I try to fill it with
comes leaking out of my pores,
and I wonder if my life is a good place for you anymore,
The more I try to fit you in,
the more it falls apart.
And this puzzle I started years ago
should be returned as faulty,
but our 28 days have passed.
The pieces are bent,
out of shape and out of mind
as I struggled with my new rehab
of not thinking of you all the fucking time.
I know I shouldn’t swear,
but I swear down I mean it.
Because you’ve been mind fucking me over,
since we met that late October.
And as the leaves fell from the trees,
so did I.
And I wish I could go back
to save all that wasted time.
You were lit up like a club,
big pink neon sign
spelling out G-A-Y,
the only place to be every Friday night.
How could I resist
when I felt like your VIP,
all those moonlight cosy corners
and uncomfortable daylight silences.
Laying eyes on you was like
laying all my questions to rest.
I would fall in love with women forever,
but first I had to stop stumbling over you.
You were a one way road,
not fit for a fast driver
and those hard bends,
weighed heavy on my shoulders.
I hope I’m just a figure in your rear view mirror,
and I only appeared closer than I was.
But I can’t help but think about that dark winter night,
when you drove past so fast,
you were like a blur in my life.
And sitting in your car
I wanted to drive with you till sunrise,
but you only wanted
to drop me home, by sunset.
And one day when I’ve caught my breath from two year long marathon,
I’ll have the strength to delete you off my fucking phone.
Sophie is a first year student at Falmouth University studying Creative Writing. She aspires to be an author of both poetry and fiction novels and takes a lot of inspiration from personal experiences and from travelling a lot through her child to teen years.